Testing...One Two Three

I am really being tested as God grows my faith. I'll write about it later.

Just know this one thing...

The testing makes me happy...

If God didn't love me...he wouldn't test me.

It's time to expand the elastic of my heart and trust Him deeper.

I just can't wait to see what God is going to do with this willing heart.

(Am I shaking in my boots....? You betcha!)

Being real

I touched on the subject of this particular blog with my daughter in law and it has just 'haunted' me. I need to tell the story, the whole story. It's not something someone can make up...this really happened.

I was five years old in my Christian walk. 35 years old...old enough to know better. Hadn't dated in over 5 years. Wanted someone to love me, desiring to be desired.

A man I know from work hopped on my desk and asked me out. I was so giddy. This is what I knew about him...he was not a Christian and he was a very wild person. But then I thought I could be good enough for both of us. And anyway...he had been the ONLY person that had acted like he was attracted to me. He pursued me for days and days and days. . . until I decided it must be GOD'S will, because God would protect me if it wasn't.

So I went out with him. We 'dated' for two years. It is true the bad people never rise to a good person's status...it's always the other way around. I compromised everything I believed in. Many of my Christian friends warned me I was going to get hurt...but they didn't know him. They didn't know how he loved me...they didn't realize that no one else was interested in me...and it just HAD to be God's will for me.

And then it happened. One day he left. He said as he walked out of my life "I always thought you were different than most women I knew...but now...I see you're just the same."

Compromise makes you blend in with the world.

My heart was broken in two. I think I cried non-stop for 3 days. My insides hurt. I hurt because I had loved him so much...and then I began to hurt because reality set in and what I had done to my Lord and Savior was even worse.

I sat on the bed and wept because I had sinned so flagrantly. And didn't even want to acknowledge it until I had lost everything. My friends...my family kept telling me I was going to get hurt... and after two years of warnings their words came true.

I began to teach literacy to this HUGE black man. His name was Ollie. He was 45 years old. He knew the Bible, could quote any scripture for you, but had never learned to read. And his desire what not only to know the word of God, but to read the word of God.

What a godly man he was. He was not only a man's man--6'6" and as muscled wide as he was tall, he was God's man. We had known each other while I was in the middle of my sin...and now here I was, broken in two...trying to pretend that nothing was wrong.

This is the part that sometimes people have a hard time putting their minds around...but it really did happen.

This particular Wednesday night, Ollie and I met in one of the classrooms at church and started on our lesson. He always called me "Ms. Teacher".

"Ms. Teacher," he said. "Something is wrong, tell me."

I declined and said we had to get back to our studies.

The room became dim --and Ollie-- I guess I can only describe it as he was 'glowing.' There was an aura around him .... I just kept staring at him wondering what was happening.

He pointed to his right...and as I followed his hand his finger pointed toward a chair...sitting in a room full of chairs...but I only saw that one.

He said "Ouida," (he never called me by my name!!!!) "You see that chair sitting there?"
"Yes," I said very quietly.
"God told you to sit there and wait. But while you've been away, your mate came by and you missed him."

I stared at Ollie and the lights came on again and he was looking normal again acting as if nothing had happened. And I sat there with my mouth opened and tears of regret, tears of remorse and tears of denial falling down my face.

Ollie wanted to know what was wrong.

"Don't you know what just happened?" I nearly screamed! He shook his head no.

"Ms. Teacher, why are you crying?"

And I confessed to him about my sin. He laid those big hands on my head and prayed one of the sweetest prayer for me. After he had prayed, I asked God to forgive my sin, cleanse me, break me, bend me, whatever He needed to do to keep me from rebelling again.

It was a very hard time of revelation for me. Knowing my sin caused me to lose what God had in store for me. I know too well what happens when we don't listen to those who truly love us... and I know even 20 years later that God doesn't change to accommodate for the sin...He allows our sins to have consequences... life long consequences.

I still regret my sin...not hopeless about it, for I know I've been forgiven. As God allowed Moses to walk to the top of the mountain and view the Promised Land...I know too well how he felt as he realized he would never enter it.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought! My sin, not in part but the whole, Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more, Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

I cling to Isaiah 54 these days. Knowing that God is my husband...and that is and will be the best for me.

Wow...wish I could re-raise my children.

Sometimes I think I should have a second chance to raise my children. I was such a child when I had my first one. There are parents in this world that I could certainly glean from. And here's the link to one of them.

http://itsalmostnaptime.blogspot.com/2010/02/i-dont-want-my-children-to-be-happy.html

Changing as the Spirit Leads

I study my Connect Group lesson all week long before I teach it. I read it on Sunday night, then look over it daily during my quiet time. Then Saturday mornings, I devote at least 3 hours to compile it, I read it out loud and sometimes I get so excited I just have to stand up and give God the glory!

This past week it was all about the authority of God's Word. God's Word being the only book we should search for answers to our problems, answers to questions...and also, if we really want to challenge ourselves...read a portion and dissect it word for word and look the meanings up in the Greek or Hebrew.

I prepared my lesson on the knowledge that the Jewish believers had The Word they knew...the Old Testament. How their parent's made their children--from the age of 5-- memorize the WHOLE Old Testament. And now, in this "New Testament" church, Jewish believers were trying to get the Gentile Believers to adhere to all the laws and rituals that the Jews had, for hundreds of years adhered to (this was their heritage!). After all these hundreds of years it was so difficult...they couldn't conceive how the death of Christ would be an atonement for their sins when the Law that had been set up with Moses had them sacrificing clean animals for their uncleanliness--according to the Word they had memorized.

God, however, put a little 'wrench' in my lesson yesterday. A Jewish woman, who is not a believer came to our class. After she introduced herself... I remembered that I had read a note she had written on one of the first time visitor cards: "I'm Jewish, is it okay if me and my family attend your church?"

...I realized in the middle of my lesson I needed to change my verbiage. I didn't need to soften the Bible's truth, but I needed to allow God to use Truth in the only way He could...and I needed to step aside and just be quiet.

As I'm talking about Paul admonishing Timothy to stop the Jewish people from forcing the Gentiles into circumcision (because the Jews said that that was the only way they would/could receive the Holy Spirit---and that would be evidence that they had received the Holy Spirit) God put a picture in my mind of the torn curtain in the tabernacle. Man performed circumcisions...God Himself ripped the veil.

I was able to take what could have been a very hurtful (Ouida-made) explanation of the Jews behavior and demonstrate through God's illustration of the torn veil, how the old laws had been replaced with the new "Covenant". . . How God allowed His son to come to earth to tear away the old traditions, rules & regulations and become the only atonement necessary for sins. The veil between God and man had been ripped and now the Holy Sacrifice of Jesus Christ took away the "necessity" of the many laws and sacrifices of the Covenant made with Moses. Jesus IS the New Covenant. I explained that this was a new thing for these Jewish believers...having been 'steeped' in tradition for all these hundreds of years... but also, we needed to look at their traditions too, to better understand the brevity of Jesus' sacrifice on the cross.

We need to be more family oriented like the Jewish people...more traditional in our 'rituals (prayer, family study time, quiet time, bible study)' and less legalistic about rules and regulations that have nothing to do with a true relationship with the Sacrificial Lamb of God.

And we need to seek Truth. Truth...the person of Jesus Christ. Seeking Truth just on Sundays isn't going to fulfill us. Truth everyday... then Truth will certainly set us free from traditions, rules & regulations.

Was any of that in my lesson plan? No. But... it was in God's plan!

She left our class excited...one of the ladies in the class had given her "A New Believer's Bible" and she held that Bible like we should hold the Word of God...like a treasure.

I have so much to teach and so much to give----but I have so much more to learn.

Humbleness on the side, please.

It's amazing to me how life weaves patterns that we don't see until God unveils them and it's only then we see how it all fits together.

I decided to take a course in our "University Life" on Wednesday Nights called "Essential Ministry Leadership". It is being taught by two men in our church who also work for a ministry called The Institute of Biblical Leadership... www.iblministry.org

Actually the key take-aways from their course is that God wants certain essentials in His leaders and we need to be willing to capture our heart's thoughts regarding our own life and ministry.

These men travel around the country helping church leadership 'grow up'. Now, those are my words, because that is what I'm seeing in myself as I take their course. I need to grow up.

My prayer this year is that God change my character...and give me the want to to let Him. And WHAM...

A certain person said a major untruth about me in front of some people that I lead as a Sunday School teacher. Just last night I told a dear friend whom I have much confidence in that I wish I could grasp this person around the neck who is causing these problems and give them a much needed shaking.

And then--I hear David Phelan say something like "If your first reaction is to slap the person doing the offending...then you have an integrity problem."

Hm. I got slapped. All I could think was...DANG... WHY CAN'T I GROW UP????

To build a ministry of integrity we must "embrace God's desire with purpose and intent. We must resolve to pursue integrity without consideration to the cost, we must view all relationships and circumstances as being sifted through God's hands and we must honestly define the unique temptations found in public ministry."

I left the class realizing that I have GOT to grow up and be a woman of integrity. I must seek God's face before I react and I must NOT react until I seek God's face.

I need to start seeking God's face about my lack of humility...instead of asking Him to put it aside--to be dealt with later. Would you pray for me?

18 more days

I continue to read the Bible chronologically and making a note about something that peaked my interest or I discovered.

Jan. 19...God gave Satan permission to challenge Job. "Fire rained down from God in heaven & killed sheep & shepherds." What is that about?

"Should we only accept good things from God and never anything bad?"

Job called God "O Watcher of all Humanity." Another interesting Name of God.

20/21. Job's friends are challenging him for saying he did nothing to warrant what God has allowed to happen to him. With friends like that...who needs enemies?

I can't help but wonder if this is how Joseph felt in prison...he just never recorded it.

22-So his friends are doctors...Job 13:4 Job prays in vs 20 and on...I wonder if God cried as he watched his faithful servant writhe in misery. I wonder if God became angry as Job told him that He destroyed people's hope.

23- "I suffer when I defend myself and I suffer no less if I refuse to speak". Poor Job. "I need someone to mediate between God and me, as a person mediates between friends."

"My days are over. My hopes have disappeared. My heart's desires are broken."

24-"Even if I have sinned that is my concern, not yours." This is the chapter where the phrase 'skin of my teeth' comes from. Job 19.

25-I knew Job was a righteous man, however I'm wondering if this is the first time he has experienced what the 'poor' experienced and is finally seeing how the other half lives. He now knows loss, hunger, people stealing land borders... And his friends keep yammering.

26-Job 27. Throughout all of his friends' accusations, Job still says "What hope do the godless have when God cuts them off and takes away their life?" I know I've often wondered when going through a tragedy "How do people without God survive these things?" Job's hope was still in God, even with his pain, sadness and 'friends'. "The fear of the Lord is true wisdom; to forsake evil is real understanding". 28:28

27-Elihu...the 4th friend, younger than the rest challenges Job that no one but God is sinless, perfect and without wrong. He has good points but then again, he's in attack mode.

28-30 Question God long enough...and he will question you!

31- When God says "who" we need to say "It is I." instead of looking for someone else to blame. God rewards honesty. I wonder why God allowed Job's 3 daughter's names to be listed in the Bible but not his sons. Inquiring minds would like to know.

1- Exodus begins about 300 years after Joseph's death. Generations of children have changed things in Egypt. Pharaoh said all boys born to the Israelites are to be thrown in the Nile. Interesting that Moses' mother put him in the same river...in a basket. When Moses was 40 he murdered the Egyptian...and now here he is 80 years old--and meets God in a burning bush. God gives us His ETERNAL NAME: Yahweh. And we continue to see ourselves in Moses' life...he can't believe that God could use him.

2-4 On the way to Egypt at a place where Moses and family had stopped for the night, the Lord confronted him and was about to kill him. [what is this about...just a random verse?]

"Let my people go" seems like every other plague Moses warned Pharaoh, but not about the firstborn.

5-God told them to celebrate this day/event by a 7 day feast. They must present the firstborn of everything to God as a sacrifice. After sacrificing it, they must break it's neck. However God had to put in the rules that they had to buy back each son without wringing his neck. We people are so stupid.

God said "If you will listen carefully to the voice of the Lord your God and do what is right in His sight, obeying His commands and keeping His decrees then I will not make you suffer any of the diseases I sent on the Egyptians; for I am the Lord who heals you."

18 days.

As I wondered what to do to "top" 2009 in actually reading the Bible from Genesis to Revelation, the answer came plain and simple. Read it again. I did really sigh, but thought I needed to do something different. I felt impressed to write at least one sentence about each days reading. That was going to take just a few more minutes of my morning quiet time...so I thought..yeah...that's what I'll do.

Today is day 18 of reading the Bible in 2010...and I thought I'd put some of my thoughts in my blog that I have written in my journal.

"I find it interesting that God told the man not to eat of the tree in the middle of the garden. God must have expected the man to take his rightful place in family order and warn his wife concerning the tree...and then stick to God's words. "Since you listened to your wife..." shows that Adam knew better but gave into the free will given him. I wonder what would have happened if Adam had refused the fruit...but allowed only Eve to eat it.

"Isn't is interesting that all the men lived up to 900 some odd years--which was normal. Sin was prevalent and God was becoming angry...I wonder if he is at wit's end in today's world. So much violence, thumbing Almighty God's name...I need to remember the one verse at end of Chapter 6...."So Noah did everything exactly as God had commanded him." Kind of different than Adam and Eve.

Why have I not seen this before. God commanded Noah to take seven pair of clean animals to use in their sacrifices and to eat. All I remember all my adult life is two by two...yet it's right there in black and white. I don't remember ever reading that.

Cush was an ancestor of Nimrod who was the first heroic warrior on earth. First 'superhero'. Interesting.

From Canaan came the ancestors of the Sidonians, Canaan also was an ancestor of the Hittites, Jehusites, Amorites and Girgashites.

When Abram heard Lot and all his people & belongings had been captured, he took all 318 of his men, attacked this huge army of the enemy and got Lot, his people and belongings back. I guess when there's no one behind your back whispering to you that you can't do it...you just believe God.

It is rumored that Melchizedek was Christ Himself, but here it says he was a priest of El Elyon--God most High.

When the king whom Abram had defeated said he would pay to get his own belongings back from Abram, Abram gave them back without pay. Reminds me when David was in the same situation and he had said he refused to be given money for something that cost him nothing. And I see that Abram built altars and praised God. Maybe that is what is missing in my life. When God does answer my prayers I don't honor Him, it's almost like I feel I deserve it. Maybe there ought to be more altar-building in my life.

And Abram believed the Lord and the Lord counted him as righteous because of his faith.

Hagar named God "You are the God who sees me." sweet.

Genesis 18 is all about comfort zones. Three men came to Abraham..I know one was the Lord and one was the LORD...could the 3rd one be the Holy Spirit?

Lot's offspring through his own daughters became the Moabites and the Ammonites.

Abraham planted a tree and worshipped the Lord. (Another altar.)

After sacrificing a ram instead of his son Isaac, Abraham named the place "Yahweh Yireh"...The God who Provides.

Abraham's brother Nahor was the grandfather of Rebekah...Jacob's wife. Hm...interesting.

It's interesting that the woman is behind the lie. Rebekah had Jacob lie to the get the birthright...and Jacob I guess shrugged his shoulders and just did it. Is that REALLY honoring your mother? Then Jacob has to leave his mother and father out of fear of being killed by his brother?

"To get back" at his dad for not giving him the blessing, Esau married Ishmael's daughter. Jacob gets a visit from the LORD on the stairway to heaven. Jacob decides then to give a 10th of everything he owned at the altar he built where he saw the stairway.

Leah was the mother of Reuben; Simeon; Levi; Judah (Christ's lineage); Issachar, Zebulun...Rachel's servant had Dan; Naphatali. Leah's servant had Zilpah; Gad and Asher. Rachel had Joseph and Benjamin.

There will always be unscrupulous businessmen like Laben. ..wanting something for nothing. Unfortunately, Jacob is also the same type of businessman. . . and I do believe Rachel is cut out of the same cloth. She stole the family gods.

Chapter 32 in Genesis... ah...remind God of His promises. He loves to hear His word back to him. El-Elohi Israel...God the God of Israel....El Shaddai---God Almighty.

Esau was also known as Edom..thus...the Edomites.

I wonder if Joseph felt he was successful as he dealt with one 'tragedy' after another. In God's word, God said he continued to bless Joseph. What was Joseph thinking when he was "blessed" by being thrown into the cistern then sold as a common slave (and really...what did the brothers do with the money they collected from selling him?)

Was Joseph praising God for the blessing of being accused of nearly raping Potiphar's wife? Was he feeling blessed in prison? Inquiring minds want to know!

Pharaoh gave Joseph a new name...Zaphenath-paneah which means: God speaks and lives.

That is a blessing.

I think that Jacob knew all along that his 10 other sons had done something with Joseph. I wonder if he "pondered these things in his heart". But today's reading...we have a happy reunion in Egypt.

As the family moved to Egypt and Joseph began to buy every one's land for food, to the point that only Pharaoh had food and land... is this the beginning of the Egyptians rule over the Israelites...when did the happy turn to the captive?