Trying to Understand

For the second time in as many months, another of our young mothers in our congregation has committed suicide. Both moms loved the Lord...both had husbands who came to church...both had three small children.

Try as I may, it's so hard for me to understand the hopelessness of suicide and the selfishness of suicide...because

I'm on this side...I see the results of suicide.

The husband heard the gun go off and ran into the bedroom to discover...

Bravely at the memorial service he said "I should have...I should have...I should have".

Husbands...look at your wives. I mean really look...is she overburdened? Is she asking for your help and you're not listening? Is this what she has to do to get your attention?

Wives/mommies...do you REALLY want your children to live with that stigma the rest of their lives? No matter what anyone says, those children will believe it is their fault you did this. Do you REALLY want those babies to think that?

We all come from a dysfunctional backgrounds. Most of us at one time or the other ponder how much easier it would be to just not "be" anymore. Unfortunately, for those who are left to scrub the brains and blood, and for those who have to suffer the "guilt" of 'why', it is never easy. Never.

We all have battles and scars to prove it. I think of Esther in the Bible. I'm sure she felt hopeless when she found out that she was going to be a "prostitute" for the king. Can you imagine the horror she went through? But there was a family member in the background constantly reminding her of her giftedness...and that she could be a heroine ...if someone was going to be brave and save the Jews...why not her? She lived to tell that she was born for a reason...for such a time as this.

I recently met a lady whose life merits one that would end it all. The horror of her childhood would have made anyone else institutionalized. Even though she talked in a monotone (I thought of Jack Webb in the old Dragnet series while listening to her), there was a fire deep in her eyes that fought to scream I AM A SURVIVOR. I want to get to know that person...and I want her to know that it is safe to be a survivor.

You are here on this Earth for a reason. You are made in the image of God. He blew breath into you, formed you, loved you before you were an embryo.

It's worth sticking around...watching those babies go to school, play sports, be in a play, watch their personalities form, cry with them with their first heartbreak, and cry for them as they struggle with the same issues you are. It is worth every moment to stay alive...because you were born for such a time as this.

Team Building & Healing & Attitude

I'm in the process of healing. It is taking me a lot longer than I want to admit. I have to consider my age, the healthiness of my body and my attitude.

Turn back 5 months ago. I went on a team building "hike". There is a trail around the church and several of us went. The trail was covered with wet leaves and what felt like mulch. Also, it had washed out and was "listing" to the right. In order to keep myself from falling, all my muscles in my right leg were clawing into the sod beneath me.

I knew two things. I was not team building and my body was not having a good time. But being the 'team player' I am, and with a lot of help from other team members I made it...my reward was watermelon, water and 10 points on my wellness profile.

However, I started walking like John Wayne...or maybe someone with one stilt. In the process of trying to stay on the trail, I 'repositioned my hip'. I went to my chiropractor and found out I was tilting. I'm sure there's a lot of jokes about that...can't think of any right now.

I had to stop exercising because my knees began to hurt. I was seeing the chiropractor at least twice a week....he said if I wasn't loopy (persistent vertigo I suffer with), I was a challenge. He worked and worked...and I waddled.

Finally, my actual general doctor referred me to Cornerstone Physical Therapy. http://www.cornerstoneptnc.com/ There I met Seth. Then we find out we are members of the same church. It was instant happiness knowing that I would be in the hands (literally) of a fellow Christian. I love hearing about his 3 children and his wife and how he came from New Jersey to Asheville.

He told me it was going to take a while to get me "straight" again. And it wasn't my knees giving me a problem. It was my hips. The muscles in my hips stayed taut even after the team building and my knees were over-extending to make up for what my hips were not doing.

We have worked and worked and exercised and worked. I've been pulled, pushed, manipulated, stretched and squashed. After about the 5th session I had decided that I would always walk like a duck and constantly be in pain.

And I accepted that.

Can you say defeated?

In my daily Bible reading I have just finished reading Ezekiel. All of God's people had given up on Him and were living the way they wanted. They didn't care to hear what Ezekiel had to say, nor would they listen. They had become defeated. They just felt like imprisonment and being captives were the only options they had.

As I read that I got to thinking...you know...I need to change my attitude. I need to get well and not stay sick. I need to walk upright and quit being defeated.

I began to fervently "listen" to my body. Knowing when to rest, knowing when to exercise. Instead of sitting all the time, walking around. Instead of walking all the time, resting...and relaxing.

Seth said he needs a sign on the ceiling over each table "RELAX" .

I'm not saying that has made me well. But attitude has a lot to do with feeling like a winner or feeling defeated.

Toward the end of Ezekiel God said "...Behold I will take the sons of Israel from among the nations where they have gone, and I will father them from every side and bring them into their own land; and I will make them one nation in the land, on the mountains of Israel; and one king will be king for all of them; and they will no longer be two nations, and they will no longer be divided into two kingdoms. And they will no longer defile themselves with their idols or with their detestable things, or with any of their transgressions; but I will deliver them from all their dwelling places in which they have sinned, and will cleanse them. And they will be My people, and I will be their God."

God goes on to say, "And I will make a covenant of peace with them. It will be an everlasting covenant with them. And I will place them and multiply them and will set My sanctuary in their midst forever. My dwelling place also will be with them; and I will be their God, and they will be My people. And the nations will know that I am the Lord who sanctifies Israel, when my sanctuary is in their midst forever."

I began to understand that the people had to ACT like kingdom people...and God blessed them when they put away all things that were not good for them...and started being God's people again. Their bodies would be healed, their land would be healed, their families would be healed and they would have an everlasting covenant with God through the "DWELLING PLACE", God's own son, Jesus.

As I understood that 99% of my battle was thought processes...wanting to be well and not be sick...wanting to be whole again and not "crippled" I made up my mind to allow the healing to do just that. To heal me.

God doesn't waste any of our experiences...and I'm glad He's worked on the "kinks" in my mind while allowing someone to work out the kinks of my body!

Today...session 7, I got off the table after my beloved heating pad that covers so much of the muscles of my side and hip and walked around. I almost started crying because I really feel that I am finally healing.

I love it when a plan comes together.