Bitterness is drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

I remember her telling me a long time ago that the words "I'm sorry" were the most useless words in the world and no one would ever hear them come out of her mouth.

She would never let go of any hurt, and could give you the date, time and exact words that were told to her in the way she heard them.

When I was younger, she had accused me of stealing a ring from her. I was blamed for many things I didn't do (and conversely, probably not blamed for some things I did do!) When she was old she told me that she had discovered the ring in one of her keepsakes. I reminded her that she had accused me of stealing it.

For the first time that I could remember, pain for someone else etched across her face. With tears forming in her eyes she said, "I'm so sorry. I don't know why I would have said that."

In her later years, she wondered if God could ever forgive her. She knew she wasn't good enough to go to heaven. (Who is???) And she accepted some forgiveness...however, there was some she said she couldn't.

Softening of the callous called bitterness had begun.

I watched her inch her way across the desert of hurt, anger and yes the bitterness of unforgiveness. She would stop along the way and refill the tank with crude oil. But as she slowed down and began to take in some of the softening agents of God's word, a metamorphosis began.

She started seeing a little good here and there. She complimented more and talked about people less. She began to say "I love you" more and she quit pointing her fingers.

She was just beginning to see how important she was to God...she was just beginning to feel what forgiveness felt like. And she had just begun to live...

And then she died.

But her life was not in vain. Because of her:

• I learned to apologize when I've hurt someone--even if they don't accept my apology.
• I learned to forgive people for hurting me.
• I learned to forgive myself.
• I learned that I cannot change people, but I can change myself.
• I learned that in order to be a good teacher, I have to be a better student.
• And I learned that true love can soften even the most captive heart.

Only the Word of God can do this.

Twisting

As you know I am heavily into physical therapy...trying to get my muscles to respond. It's an arduous process. I thought it would be a stretch here and there, but no...years of sitting, walking, hiking and lying the wrong way finally culminated into a bundle of wound up muscles on my team building hike in May. The hike didn't help at all in one way...it made me hurt...but on the other hand, it helped open a new chapter in my life. One of stretching.

I've always said "Show me..don't tell me how to do it and I can do it." Seth, my PT showed me last Wednesday what my body does when I lie on my stomach...my pelvis rotates to the left, because the muscles on the right are so tight.

Suddenly I felt empowered...I CAN help fix this. I started being more focused how I sat, how I would lie down.

It's 1/4 mile from the workroom on my side of the church to the main workroom on the other side. So about 4 times a day since Wednesday, I have purposely tilted my pelvis to the right...just a little bit and walked. At first it was near impossible...the right quad muscle started hurting...but I walked through it. I laid down on the floor this morning to gauge how things are working...and I'm almost straight! Woo Hoo...it's the little changes we make that makes all the difference.

Then I started thinking about the words that have held true all my adult life. The straight and narrow words of the Bible. How easy it is to just follow some of the words and ignore others. Yet the more we ignore or set aside the precepts we've learned, those "muscles" become weak, and soon our life is a mess, and we have to learn to walk with God again.

It's easy to become unaligned from God's Word. Our purpose is to stay focused on the straightway to Christ. To show others Who He is by our walk...and we can't do that if our walk is crooked.

Trying to Understand

For the second time in as many months, another of our young mothers in our congregation has committed suicide. Both moms loved the Lord...both had husbands who came to church...both had three small children.

Try as I may, it's so hard for me to understand the hopelessness of suicide and the selfishness of suicide...because

I'm on this side...I see the results of suicide.

The husband heard the gun go off and ran into the bedroom to discover...

Bravely at the memorial service he said "I should have...I should have...I should have".

Husbands...look at your wives. I mean really look...is she overburdened? Is she asking for your help and you're not listening? Is this what she has to do to get your attention?

Wives/mommies...do you REALLY want your children to live with that stigma the rest of their lives? No matter what anyone says, those children will believe it is their fault you did this. Do you REALLY want those babies to think that?

We all come from a dysfunctional backgrounds. Most of us at one time or the other ponder how much easier it would be to just not "be" anymore. Unfortunately, for those who are left to scrub the brains and blood, and for those who have to suffer the "guilt" of 'why', it is never easy. Never.

We all have battles and scars to prove it. I think of Esther in the Bible. I'm sure she felt hopeless when she found out that she was going to be a "prostitute" for the king. Can you imagine the horror she went through? But there was a family member in the background constantly reminding her of her giftedness...and that she could be a heroine ...if someone was going to be brave and save the Jews...why not her? She lived to tell that she was born for a reason...for such a time as this.

I recently met a lady whose life merits one that would end it all. The horror of her childhood would have made anyone else institutionalized. Even though she talked in a monotone (I thought of Jack Webb in the old Dragnet series while listening to her), there was a fire deep in her eyes that fought to scream I AM A SURVIVOR. I want to get to know that person...and I want her to know that it is safe to be a survivor.

You are here on this Earth for a reason. You are made in the image of God. He blew breath into you, formed you, loved you before you were an embryo.

It's worth sticking around...watching those babies go to school, play sports, be in a play, watch their personalities form, cry with them with their first heartbreak, and cry for them as they struggle with the same issues you are. It is worth every moment to stay alive...because you were born for such a time as this.

Team Building & Healing & Attitude

I'm in the process of healing. It is taking me a lot longer than I want to admit. I have to consider my age, the healthiness of my body and my attitude.

Turn back 5 months ago. I went on a team building "hike". There is a trail around the church and several of us went. The trail was covered with wet leaves and what felt like mulch. Also, it had washed out and was "listing" to the right. In order to keep myself from falling, all my muscles in my right leg were clawing into the sod beneath me.

I knew two things. I was not team building and my body was not having a good time. But being the 'team player' I am, and with a lot of help from other team members I made it...my reward was watermelon, water and 10 points on my wellness profile.

However, I started walking like John Wayne...or maybe someone with one stilt. In the process of trying to stay on the trail, I 'repositioned my hip'. I went to my chiropractor and found out I was tilting. I'm sure there's a lot of jokes about that...can't think of any right now.

I had to stop exercising because my knees began to hurt. I was seeing the chiropractor at least twice a week....he said if I wasn't loopy (persistent vertigo I suffer with), I was a challenge. He worked and worked...and I waddled.

Finally, my actual general doctor referred me to Cornerstone Physical Therapy. http://www.cornerstoneptnc.com/ There I met Seth. Then we find out we are members of the same church. It was instant happiness knowing that I would be in the hands (literally) of a fellow Christian. I love hearing about his 3 children and his wife and how he came from New Jersey to Asheville.

He told me it was going to take a while to get me "straight" again. And it wasn't my knees giving me a problem. It was my hips. The muscles in my hips stayed taut even after the team building and my knees were over-extending to make up for what my hips were not doing.

We have worked and worked and exercised and worked. I've been pulled, pushed, manipulated, stretched and squashed. After about the 5th session I had decided that I would always walk like a duck and constantly be in pain.

And I accepted that.

Can you say defeated?

In my daily Bible reading I have just finished reading Ezekiel. All of God's people had given up on Him and were living the way they wanted. They didn't care to hear what Ezekiel had to say, nor would they listen. They had become defeated. They just felt like imprisonment and being captives were the only options they had.

As I read that I got to thinking...you know...I need to change my attitude. I need to get well and not stay sick. I need to walk upright and quit being defeated.

I began to fervently "listen" to my body. Knowing when to rest, knowing when to exercise. Instead of sitting all the time, walking around. Instead of walking all the time, resting...and relaxing.

Seth said he needs a sign on the ceiling over each table "RELAX" .

I'm not saying that has made me well. But attitude has a lot to do with feeling like a winner or feeling defeated.

Toward the end of Ezekiel God said "...Behold I will take the sons of Israel from among the nations where they have gone, and I will father them from every side and bring them into their own land; and I will make them one nation in the land, on the mountains of Israel; and one king will be king for all of them; and they will no longer be two nations, and they will no longer be divided into two kingdoms. And they will no longer defile themselves with their idols or with their detestable things, or with any of their transgressions; but I will deliver them from all their dwelling places in which they have sinned, and will cleanse them. And they will be My people, and I will be their God."

God goes on to say, "And I will make a covenant of peace with them. It will be an everlasting covenant with them. And I will place them and multiply them and will set My sanctuary in their midst forever. My dwelling place also will be with them; and I will be their God, and they will be My people. And the nations will know that I am the Lord who sanctifies Israel, when my sanctuary is in their midst forever."

I began to understand that the people had to ACT like kingdom people...and God blessed them when they put away all things that were not good for them...and started being God's people again. Their bodies would be healed, their land would be healed, their families would be healed and they would have an everlasting covenant with God through the "DWELLING PLACE", God's own son, Jesus.

As I understood that 99% of my battle was thought processes...wanting to be well and not be sick...wanting to be whole again and not "crippled" I made up my mind to allow the healing to do just that. To heal me.

God doesn't waste any of our experiences...and I'm glad He's worked on the "kinks" in my mind while allowing someone to work out the kinks of my body!

Today...session 7, I got off the table after my beloved heating pad that covers so much of the muscles of my side and hip and walked around. I almost started crying because I really feel that I am finally healing.

I love it when a plan comes together.

Isaiah 52:12

I love this scripture...Isaiah 52:12 "You will not leave in a hurry, running for your lives. For the LORD will go ahead of you; yes, the God of Israel will protect you from behind."

A picture of Him being my warrior to protect me when the enemy attacks from the front...but an even stronger picture of Him being my protecter...from the rear. Wow.

More Bible Reading

The name of the Lorid is a strong fortress-the godly run to Him and are safe.

The Lord is more pleased when we do right and just than when we offer him sacrifices.

Solomon loved foreign women...700 wives from royal birth and 300 concubines. GOODNESS!

"While seeking wisdom I clutched at foolishness." Solomon was pretty depressed when he wrote Ecclesiastes. "As you enter the house of God keep your ears open and your mouth shut."
Kings and rulers make a grave mistake when they give great authority to foolish people and low positions to people of proven worth. I have even seen servants riding like princes and princes walking like servants.

Solomon's son Rehoboam has not gone the way of the Lord. After 13 years of reigning and doing evil in God's sight, Rehoboam was defeated and Jeroboam becames King. Israel fought within itself and Abyam & Jeroboam fought. Abyam came from the tribe of Judah and grew more powerful. When he died, Asa became King. Asa pleased the Lord by removing the foreign gods. God told Asa "the Lord willl stay with you as long as you stay with him."

Constant war between Judah and Israel. "The eyes of the Lord search the whole Earth in order to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him." 1 Kings 15:9a

No one else so completely sold himself to what was evil in the Lord's sight as Ahab did under the influence of his wife Jezebel.

King Ahab dies. He was buried in Samaria. "Always think carefully before pronouncing judgment" 2 Chronible 19:6b

Jehoshaphat told the Levites to always act in the fear of the Lord.

Give thanks to the Lord; his faithful love endures forever.

Many kings---doing evil in the sight of the Lord.

June 15...I don't ever remember reading that both Elijah and Elisha struck the water of the Jordan River and it parted for them to walk across...but they both did. Also a man brought Elisha a sack of fresh grain and 20 loaves of barley bread. Elisha told him to feed 100 people with it...they ended up having leftovers...amazing!

Elisha is absolutely amaing as a servant of the Lord.

Jehu-a mighty King of God killed Ahab, Jezebel and all their remaining kinfolk so there was no one in that lineage remaining. Jehu killed all the Baal worshippers--God acknowledged that he had done what He had asked--however, Jehu did not obey God with all his heart.

Athaliah, mother of King Ahazrah of Judah learned that her son was dead and decided to destroy the rest of Judah's royal family. But a nurse hid the youngest child Joash. When Joash was 7, he was presented as king. A covenant was made that the people would follow the God of their fathers. The priest that advised Joash and Joash began to allow the people to build Aserah poles and worship Baal.

Zechariah the priest's son was stoned to death because he was his father's conscience and proclaimed the wrong being done.

Joash and Elisha have died...Joash's son is now King and did what was pleasing in God's eyes. His son then became king and did not please God. After his death Uzziah became king. He didn't smash the foreign gods and God allowed leoporsy to overcome his body. He reigned 52 years from a different castle than his family.

He became mighty...and with that became very prideful. Jonah's ministry took place during the reign of Jeroboam II.

In Amos I read "The Lord never does anything until He reveals his plans to his servants the prophets." God is called the "Pride of Israel" in the book of Amos.

The time is surely coming says the Sovereign Lord when I will send a famine on the land, not a famine of bread or water, but of hearing the words of the Lord.

Jotham is king of Judah and does what is pleasing to the Lord, but doesn't destroy the pagan temples.

Micah is grieving over God's message to Samaria and Jerusalem. Ahaz is now king of Judah. He did NOT do what was pleasing to God...even sacrificed his own sons in the fire.

God told King Ahaz-unless your faith is firm, I cannot make you stand firm.

Isaiah 8:13 "Make the Lord of Heaven's Armies holy in your life. He is the one you should fear. He is the one who should make you tremble."

Isaiah 12 is a song of praise for salvation. Hezekiah at the age of 25 becomes King and does what is pleasing to God.

"But then I will win her [Israel] back once again. I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her there. I will return her vineyards to her and transform the Valley of Trouble into a gateway of Hope."...Hosea 2:14-15

"Even though I gave them all my laws they act as if those laws don't apply to them" Hosea 8:12

Hosea is mourning for God has taken his hand of protection away from His beloved Israel. God gives them the prayer that would satisfy His anger: "Forgive all our sins and graciously receive us, so that we may offer you our praise. Assyria cannot save us, nor can our warhorses. Never again will we say to the idols we have made 'you are our gods!' No, in You alone do the orphans find mercy."

Isaiah 28:16 "Look I am placing a foundation stone in Jerusalem--a firm and tested stone. It is a precious cornerstone that is safe to build on. Whoever believes need never be shaken." Another version says "Anyone who trusts in him will never be disgraced."

"What sorrow for those who drag their sins behind them as ropes made of lies, who drag wickedness behind them like a cart."