Stuff

So, I fasted yesterday. I know...we're supposed to fast in our closets. But all my closets are full of stuff...and there was no place to be quiet.

Actually, I fasted for some dear friends...fasted for health and healing for Cody and Amy. What did I fast? Most people fast meals... And I guess I could have done that...but instead I fasted something that has become a habit to me....and a bad habit I might add....almost like an addiction...so I fasted for one day...away from the Internet and from the TV.

It was a day of cleansing....not only cleansing my mind of the mindless crap...but also cleansing ....

I found myself cleaning closets. Going through memories since 1960. Wondering why I had kept some for so long. I found a letter I wrote to my oldest son...WAY before I was a Christian... and it was obvious by the way I wrote. I had written little things he had done as a child. I'm sure he's the only one I had time to do that with...since two more children came in 4 years...and it seems I tend to let thoughts pass without writing things down. I wish I had written more things....as I read the note I had written to my son, it brought back memories that somehow have been locked up in the nether regions.

I'll put the memories in a scrapbook...because the letter just isn't written well...and there are some things I wrote that don't make any sense....and then the feelings of anger I felt over my crumbling marriage are entwined within the lines of this letter written to a little child. And none of my children...even as adults... need to read about the death of their parents' marriage.

But going through some other papers, I found poems I had written. Poems I wrote as I was healing from a childhood that never existed....poems of anger as memories began to emerge....poems of resignation and renewal....poems of of mediocrity, of hope.

As I read the poems that came from deep within the abyss of an emerging woman, I cried. I cried for the little girl lost in a woman's body. I cried for the deep-seated anger of someone trying to understand....and I rejoiced as the pages of words became full of hope, forgiveness and honor.

Was that me....did I really pen all these words? Yes it was me...and as I read each poem, I knew exactly where I was at the time...the place I wrote it....the mindset as I allowed the pen to draw my emotions into words.

In later blogs I will share some of those poems....poems of a sad woman/child...poems of a woman who had not yet found the Love of her life (Isaiah 54) and poems of her Husband's redeeming love. Some of the poems are very revealing as a young woman of 28 or 29 watching a man 10 years younger....and silently wishing..... :-)

Some poems are full of anger for a mother whose bitterness and fury cut like a razor through the soul of a woman looking for love in all the wrong places.

and poems of humor.... such as:

I have three children
who often have battles
One is quiet...one is loud....one rattles.

(each of my children know exactly which one they are!)

God allows us to fast to come closer to Him....to partner with The Mind of Christ. As we fast, He reveals not only the needs of those we fast for...but also...our needs. Rejoice...He ain't finished with us yet!